Who Are You Again?


In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king.


I see your parents convinced the school board that it’s unnecessary for you to actually learn anything. You don’t need to know the difference between they’re, their or there. You don’t need to know the difference between your and you’re. You don’t need to deal with subject/verb agreement. A team is them and they. Two teams, and you’re lost. Loose and lose? What’s the difference? It’s all good. You can’t actually point out on a map where you did those two tours as you pretend to be active duty, but you’re only a reservist. You think the Secretary of State orders troops into a free fire zone. You think the Secretary of State IS the Secretary of Defense, and she should go to jail just because she’s she, but if you need an excuse we’ll dream one up. Somebody told you all this was true, so it must be, right?


And, on top of all that, you think we should trust you with a gun. No, your children won’t shoot each other because you weren’t careful in how you stored it. No, you won’t “accidentally” send a round through your wall and kill a guy walking his dog, as you “aim” for that intruder trying to take your silverware. Of course not. Besides, I find it more than satisfying to trust a functional illiterate with little or no motor skills. I do it all the time when I drive on the interstate with you only feet away from me at seventy miles per hour. I know you’re an Indy car driver at heart; a regular Fittipaldi. (That’s besides the point as you run butt naked up the road. You should of known when the cops drilled you.) Since 80% of the rounds fired in the area where you did your two tours don’t hit anything, I’m sure you’re quite the marksman, like all your battle buddies; crack shots. Oh, yeah. And, don’t forget. You should vote twice and win any arguments about government and foreign policy. After all, you were in uniform. That makes you special.


The thing I admire about you the most is how you dared to challenge that ninety percent of your brain cells you never use by drinking all that beer. I watched as your eyes achieved a permanent spider web of red veins while your wit sharpened. Though the amount of facts you possess didn’t increase, your ability to manage what facts you do possess did. I’ve never seen anyone juggle everybody knows that quite as deftly as you. The addition of the over-sized T-shirts and the baggy shorts to adorn that beer belly you farmed over the decades was at once a stroke of genius. Shaving off your hair so you didn’t have to worry about haircuts was just icing on the cake. I knew the slick bald thing wouldn’t last as it is so labor intensive to maintain. But, that spiky “I’m not really bald” cut has them all fooled, I assure you. Nobody will ever figure out your tan extends only from that short-sleeve down. No. I don’t think your neck looks too red. Besides, you’re a yankee. How could you have a red neck?


The way you got your kids to ridicule the same things as you is prize worthy. Not a smile on any of their tough faces. They’re so skilled at showing no tongue in those beet red sneers of theirs. That and how you weaned them on fast food, making the home kitchen all but obsolete was another stroke of brilliance. No dishes to wash. Just paper to throw away. What a labor saver that turned out to be! They’re all well on their ways to farm their own beer bellies, and they don’t even drink beer yet. Now, that is foresight. They can spew hate without actually spitting, too. But what they truly excel at is whining when the teacher expects them to read a book. Outstanding! What a waste of time reading books! They don’t need to know what those liberal book writers think anyway! They write so they don’t have to work, everybody knows that! If your kids need to know anything important somebody on TV will tell them, since they watch only the right shows on the best stations.


Then, and finally, there’s how devoted you are to your mother who you’ve taken care of far into her old age. She taught you to talk, and walk and the right people to hate. She taught you to be bold and go ahead and tell these people just what you think, that they have no right to live anywhere near you and they should just go somewhere else. Live and let live. Your daddy taught you what tools to buy, and how to rebuild a carb, before he died of alcoholism. He was a working man. So what if he drank a little bit. The doctors probably lied about the alcoholism thing anyway, since everybody knows that you can’t be an alcoholic drinking beer! These doctors are all liberals. That’s what colleges do to you. I’m so glad you won’t be sending your kids to college. Why ruin them at that age? They can get a good job working construction just like you. All you got to do is keep them away from the meth.